If I knew what things were worth, I would have more focus. But instead, the only thing I have found most worthy is to be self-aware. What such awareness lacks is a connection to Society.

I do not desire to lack a connection to Society. But I suspect that if my senses were keener, I would have found an object of focus which would have brought me closer already. It would be great to have money, or more importantly, social status, which I call SocStat to elevate it to a deity. But even more desirable for me right now is a feedback cycle, wherein Society and I engage in a conversation. No one, unfortunately, speaks for Society with regard to me. Most people do not understand Society and therefore they cannot speak for it.

I have slipped between all the cracks. The way for Society to form a relationship with me would be for a member of Society to see me truly. I have no idea how this will happen. Then that person would formulate communication. It would be a back-and-forth.

The alternative to this would be for the integrating dialogue to occur within me. Such a dialogue has led to this blog, for example. But what has this blog led to? Thus far, there is not enough energy here to create a feedback cycle.

Thus, I keep thinking that if I just understood more about what things were worth, I could more actively pursue the Good and avoid the Bad. That’s all. I’m not saying there aren’t tools available, or progress to be made. It may seem strange for me to declare that there is something wrong with me, as such declaration may itself be a stumbling block. This blog post is an active example of my internal dialogue, of my thinking things through internally hoping to establish a stronger sense of what things are worth.

The blog post itself might help me arrive at the goal. I am merely recording my wonderment at my lack of direction, which is painful and yet such pain has never been motivation enough to surmount the difficulties. The obstacle remains greater than the pain of being stuck. Not sure what to do about it.